The Death of Empathy

Empathy died early this morning at Toronto Western Hospital. Empathy, a long venerated quality, has, in recent years been in gross physical decline. While all have noted this slow passing of a once great hero of ours, the final moments were spent in quiet loneliness. Indeed, there have been no speeches by great political figures, there have been no parades celebrating Empathy’s long career, no eulogies lamenting a life spent in healing the breeches caused by the regular wear and tear of the human condition.

At the age of 7,652 years, some have said that Empathy has had a long enough life, and it has been well lived. Indeed, Empathy first became known to a shepherd in the fertile crescent who came to understand the sufferings of a fellow shepherd who had lost a segment of his flock and was in dire straits. The two hugged, and the shepherd promised to “work something out with the flocks”. The two remained friends to the end of their days.

Empathy was well regarded in the court of Hammurabi the Second. The first Hammurabi laughed at Empathy in the face, but the second one was a much cooler dude. Hammurabi the Second subsidized the building of a large ziggurat as a make work program during a fertile crescent recession in order to stimulate the economy. His successor, Nebuchadnezzar, later on cancelled the ziggurat as “these kinds of projects degrade the value of the individual and erodes personal initiative in the form of small business entrepreneurship.” Empathy was not always loved, but Empathy was always there.

Another notable moment in the history of empathy was among the northern German princes during the Reformation. Phlieg von Hasselpuff, prince of Sax-Coburg-Blemheim-Schnitzel temporarily outlawed the presence of Empathy in his court. In the absence of Empathy Phlieg’s wife Catherine Hottenpiecefass, could no longer stand Phlieg’s physical presence. In order to maintain a family line, and have an enjoyable home life, Phlieg was forced to re-instate the concept. Once again, Empathy had prevailed.

Empathy made a triumphant entry into the public political realm in Canada under the Trudeau government. Partially caused by the decline of the Atlantic fisheries and manufacturing in southern Ontario, the Trudeau government guaranteed an annual income to ensure that every Canadian had a certain amount of support coming to them each and every year guaranteed by the state.

It was Monday evening that the first obvious signs that Empathy was about to die became indisputable. It has been a long decline, and at times there have been rallying points, it is true. However, on Monday evening Empathy was not looking good. In fact, Empathy looked positively like a piece of shit. Pale, anaemic, hunched, with a staring starved jaundiced look to it. The doctors shook their heads, rubbed their chins, and did not know what had caused this severe decline, and were incapable of halting its progress. All the nurses stood around blowing their noses and looking puffy eyed around the examination room.
Empathy is survived by its children, Goodwill, Kindness and Humanity.

They’re aren’t looking so hot either.