Sex! Did We Get Your Attention? Hot Sex!

Journalistically speaking there is no hot news about elections, there is nothing new about party leaders lining up and speaking up and pointing their fingers at each other, always with the promises, the promises! There is nothing especially great about how politicians look, in their absurdly baggy suits, and badly coiffed hair, their cliché spouting, bland performance underneath the banal glare of lights and cameras with a convenient backdrop, rural heartland, factory, school, whatever. More specifically, politics isn’t that interesting. Not in the way, say, a really beautifully half undressed person you love who is currently quietly reclining in bed on a mid-Saturday morning is interesting in the most vivid way imaginable. So interesting that rather than doing anything else at all, like, say, the laundry, jogging, calling back a friend you promised to have brunch with, drinking water, you know, anything at all pretty much takes a back seat. Politics is not as interesting as sex. Though, maybe, it should be, because we are definitely sitting around causally fucking ourselves.

Mostly we cast around looking for new hot topics in the news, did one leader make whatever a gaff is, was there a boondoggle? There was a boondoggle! What the fuck, does anyone but a political journalist use the word boondoggle? No! No one but a political journalist uses the word boondoggle. New mission: Use the word boondoggle in everyday conversation next week, see if that horrendous word slides under the radar. If it doesn’t you owe whoever called you on it a shot. Take one yourself, you look like you could use a stiff drink. You could use a stiff drink because of how much you’ve been fucking yourself.

Let’s get to the sexiness of politics already and all the positions that Canadians are willing to take on the matter. A good friend of mine (his name is Danny and apparently he makes his wife very happy) once told me that sex isn’t good unless you’ve assumed at least three positions and the foreplay should take at least a half hour. Well, we’ve been in about five years of foreplay with the party of the Big East (more on that in a later post, but shit, why isn’t anyone really making a big deal about how the Conservative Party is basically a bunch of Ontarians who took a dump on Ontario a couple years back and now want to have their way with the rest of the country? The West Wants In? Well, the west just got mostly shoved out of the top level of their own party) and we’re going to get nailed pretty hard real soon.

The thing is, all jokey metaphors aside, politics is important. Not to unduly use other unrelated geopolitical events callously to drive home a point, but there are people dying to have the right to cast a ballot in other countries just this minute. There has been a recent draft of political commercials, some really funny, some really quite earnest, all insisting that Canadians get out the vote. Simultaneously the Conservative Party has been systematically kicking out young voters as that party tries to prejudicially profile young voters. Let’s be honest, the Conservatives are prejudiced, we have definitive evidence. So sure, if you like your politics brushed with a tinge if the bigoted American flag wrapped debate crushing partisanship you’ll probably say a political party has every right to profile and vet the audience, you’ll agree that a political party has the duty to limit reporters ability to report and ask questions, and it is in a political party’s best interests to erode the popular interest by casting political debate as merely bickering. This is where we’re being fucked.

Of course you’ll rarely hear about politics as a form of sex. As already noted in our beloved blog, the Conservatives in particular, but political analysts generally, like to have it as if it were warfare. We are always talking about hierarchy, defeating opponents, rhetorical victories translating into poll standings, obsessive statistical analysis, banners, and the general chest thumping that passes for the democratic process in much of electioneering. We, here at barpolitics, are more sensitive. You can tell we are sensitive because we have well moisturized hands. Unlike the Conservative Party (their hands are calloused, their cuticles are uneven), we don’t want to make war, we want to make love. Alright, we’re probably losing some of the thread here. The whole point is that politics is much more than a fight, though good sex can feel that way at times, it is in the end about congress. We’re totally serious about that. As in sex, just as in politics, to make it good you really gotta feel it, you really gotta mean it. That’s why, like in both sex and politics, when we repeatedly come against lacklustre performance in our leader/lovers we become dull, uninterested, we’d rather watch porno and masturbate than waste another minute enduing the drawn out dry hump of an election. The thing is, we’re gonna get fucked one way or the other. And rather than shuffling off to the bedroom to give yourself a jobby and wake up in the morning with the dick that you don’t know remember having climbed into bed with at the very least we can make a choice and have a tussle with someone you’ve chosen.

Sure it’s a risk, sex, and politics, always is, but it’s totally worth it if you know what you’re doing. So in this election, give ‘er, and give ‘er good. Do it with vigour, and do it like you care, because it’s only as good as you make it. And look, it doesn’t really matter if a lot of this didn’t make a whole lot of sense just as long as you basically understand what we’re saying. Right? Right? Whatever, I’m gonna go for round two.