SUCCC it part 2: you are not welcome here.

SUCCC it part 2: you are not welcome here.

The conservative campaign has unveiled its platform, much like the budget on which it expected to fall. Like that budget there are not many surprises. One surprise among them is a matter of strategy. Harpergov has announced that it will push its law and order platform in a single omnibus bill. [1]

Mixed among changes to mandatory minimum sentencing, elimination of home arrest and other techniques to castrate the process that has been the auspice of judges who actually understand the nature of crime is increased funding for prisons and police.

We should thank our lucky stars that we have a government brave enough to ignore the advice of criminologists both in Canada and across the world who have come to the conclusion that increased investment in prisons does little to reduce crime rates [2]. Thank the Christian god that the Harper government is aware of the real threat that justifies this seemingly irrational increase in spending on prisons.

That threat, my real Canadians, is "unreported crime".

In previous posts [3] we have exposed the source of this threat - so sneaky that it evades the gaze of even the most astute crime reporters. While my bar tab holds out and my eyes stay straight I feel that I have to inform you yet again of the organization that is responsible for this murky wave of criminality - SUCCC -or the Secret Underground Consortium of Canadian Criminals.

Oooooh. That's good whiskey. You ever been so drunk that you write all of your "n"s as "m"s? I guess being drunk would make "just do it"" make a lot less sense.

Right - the point, how elusive a maiden as you are. Tonight I want to talk to you about the next member of SUCCC that must be exposed to the public. Awish Aslam, or as she is known to the public - "The Threat".

Some of you who still aren't reading Sun Media [spitting gesture] will be familiar with the 19 year old University of Western Ontario student who was ejected from a Conservative Party event in London, because her Facebook account included a photo of herself and Michael "Iggy", The Ig", "The Iggster" Ignatieff.

First off, we at barpolitics really must tip our hats (our hat - for really one of us is gratuitously bald) to the conservative party staffer who had the foresight and initiative to investigate a potential troublemaker like Aslam - apparently for reasons completely unrelated to the fact that her last name is Aslam.

It truly must have took real testicular fortitude to escort this 19 year old University of Western Ontario student from the party event. Not knowing at which point she might make her move to be closer to Allah. We should really take this opportunity to congratulate the RCMP for their flexibility. Not only are they capable of protecting the Prime Minister but they have managed to freelance as the public relations wing of the Conservative Party. After all, protecting the Prime Minister can be a pretty boring job in Canada (not like in Sri Lanka). Luckily the RCMP has done honor and service to their history by acting as bouncers at Conservative Party Event.

Most bouncers that I know do it for the free blowjobs and bumps of cocaine, but thank Christian Jesus that our national police do it for the sake of a higher calling. I should encourage my children to seek out a career in law enforcement, if only for the oral sex.

So there you have it, Canada. I've lost my train of thought after two pints of organic and two shots of Irish whiskey (what kind of whiskey I will not tell at least until we get a sponsorship deal). We've already [4] talked about how New Canadians are welcomed in the little blue tent so long as they do not hold opposing views, or they have the audacity to pursue an education.

Now we know that brown and young people are being barred from the political process, I as a WASP alcoholic can sleep better (you never really sleep when you're drunk) knowing that The Conservative Party is doing its part to prevent young brown people from participating in the democratic process.

How's that working out for you, Mubarak?