Ottawa awaits with bated breath Jim Flaherty’s newest budget. With the economic action plan/ national stimulus program coming to a close, the Hubris government will be looking for the next ideological cash pit in which to sink our once hefty surplus. Far from content to allow the stimulus-level spending to expire quietly and use the revenue to pay down the deficit, Flaherty and Harper have found an investment in Canadians votes that could be just as valuable as the purchase of new backyard decks. That investment is in the department of corrections and the department of public safety.
Even more ideologically palatable to the conservatives than spending money that the government does not have to buy votes, the government is planning to spend money it doesn’t have on prisons and cops. “But wait” I hear you saying, “is this additional spending on police and prisons justified?” (At least I assume it’s your voice saying this, and not the voice that tells me to set fire to trash cans). “Where is the crime wave that would require such a massive expenditure? Aren’t crime rates at 30 year lows across Canada?[1] My neighbourhood isn’t swamped with looters - where is all of this crime happening?” Well, disembodied voice in my head, The Conservative Party has found a new type of crime that doesn’t show up on fancy police registers and “newwwwspapers”. Stockwell Day has found a loophole to solve this problem that does not rely on “statistics” or “reality”. That loophole is “unreported” crime. Apparently this super-secret crime wave is sweeping the nation, unbeknownst to those of us who are blinded by news and numbers. But who could be the guiding hand behind this secret crime wave? “What kind of criminal geniuses are behind this dastardly development?” you ask, “Who is causing havoc in our communities, stealing beer and kicking puppies, unnoticed by the police, the RCMP, the newspapers, and the population in general?” The answer may surprise you (are you sure you don’t want me to burn a trash bin? There’s such a pretty new one just outside the bar and I have a new lighter. No? Okay.) The organization behind this crime wave is the Secret Underground Consortium of Canadian Criminals, or SUCCC for short.
This diabolical, and extremely polite cabal of criminality have been in operation since 2006, quietly spreading anarchy across the country. But fear not, intrepid reader (seriously, there is nothing to be afraid of) barpolitics is here to bring the SUCCC into the light. We will be exposing the SUCCC members to the public, member by member.
Take, for instance Sean Bruyea[2], a former member of the Canadian forces who had the gall to complain to the Department of Veteran's affairs. This airman, with his insidious love of our country and dastardly devotion to duty is known within SUCCC as The Whinger.When he complained to the department that the New Veteran's Charter would harm Canada’s injured veterans, bureaucrats in the department began bravely circulating his personal file to hundreds of their compatriots. This file, which included his medical history (Bruyea suffered from post traumatic stress disorder from his experience in The First Gulf War) was distributed to ministers and bureaucrats with whom Bruyea had meetings (as well as everyone else in Ottawa, apparently). When The Whinger exposed this violation of his privacy to the public (like a whinger would) it briefly caused an uproar in the media. Jean-Pierre Blackburn, the Minister of Veteran's Affairs, armed with the secret knowledge of Bruyea’s alter ego, protected the bureaucrats by promoting them and instituting training programs on “Privacy 101” throughout the department. What would appear to most Canadians to be a blatant betrayal of a patriotic Canadian's rights and a violation of his dignity was in fact a measured attempt to stop a puppy-kicking Arch villain from imposing his SUCCCy ideals on an unsuspecting populace. How uninformed we are in the real world.
So now you know, Canada. The Whinger is but one member of a dangerous group of super criminals whose activities have gone unnoticed for far too long. The alternate explanation, that the Conservative Government is fabricating non-existent crisis to drive up the deficit, paving the way for private health care by “starving the beast” through reduced transfer payments to the provinces, strains credulity. We at barpolitics will continue to expose these criminals, despite the danger to us and ours.
Would you look at that? Trash can’s on fire.
Even more ideologically palatable to the conservatives than spending money that the government does not have to buy votes, the government is planning to spend money it doesn’t have on prisons and cops. “But wait” I hear you saying, “is this additional spending on police and prisons justified?” (At least I assume it’s your voice saying this, and not the voice that tells me to set fire to trash cans). “Where is the crime wave that would require such a massive expenditure? Aren’t crime rates at 30 year lows across Canada?[1] My neighbourhood isn’t swamped with looters - where is all of this crime happening?” Well, disembodied voice in my head, The Conservative Party has found a new type of crime that doesn’t show up on fancy police registers and “newwwwspapers”. Stockwell Day has found a loophole to solve this problem that does not rely on “statistics” or “reality”. That loophole is “unreported” crime. Apparently this super-secret crime wave is sweeping the nation, unbeknownst to those of us who are blinded by news and numbers. But who could be the guiding hand behind this secret crime wave? “What kind of criminal geniuses are behind this dastardly development?” you ask, “Who is causing havoc in our communities, stealing beer and kicking puppies, unnoticed by the police, the RCMP, the newspapers, and the population in general?” The answer may surprise you (are you sure you don’t want me to burn a trash bin? There’s such a pretty new one just outside the bar and I have a new lighter. No? Okay.) The organization behind this crime wave is the Secret Underground Consortium of Canadian Criminals, or SUCCC for short.
This diabolical, and extremely polite cabal of criminality have been in operation since 2006, quietly spreading anarchy across the country. But fear not, intrepid reader (seriously, there is nothing to be afraid of) barpolitics is here to bring the SUCCC into the light. We will be exposing the SUCCC members to the public, member by member.
Take, for instance Sean Bruyea[2], a former member of the Canadian forces who had the gall to complain to the Department of Veteran's affairs. This airman, with his insidious love of our country and dastardly devotion to duty is known within SUCCC as The Whinger.When he complained to the department that the New Veteran's Charter would harm Canada’s injured veterans, bureaucrats in the department began bravely circulating his personal file to hundreds of their compatriots. This file, which included his medical history (Bruyea suffered from post traumatic stress disorder from his experience in The First Gulf War) was distributed to ministers and bureaucrats with whom Bruyea had meetings (as well as everyone else in Ottawa, apparently). When The Whinger exposed this violation of his privacy to the public (like a whinger would) it briefly caused an uproar in the media. Jean-Pierre Blackburn, the Minister of Veteran's Affairs, armed with the secret knowledge of Bruyea’s alter ego, protected the bureaucrats by promoting them and instituting training programs on “Privacy 101” throughout the department. What would appear to most Canadians to be a blatant betrayal of a patriotic Canadian's rights and a violation of his dignity was in fact a measured attempt to stop a puppy-kicking Arch villain from imposing his SUCCCy ideals on an unsuspecting populace. How uninformed we are in the real world.
So now you know, Canada. The Whinger is but one member of a dangerous group of super criminals whose activities have gone unnoticed for far too long. The alternate explanation, that the Conservative Government is fabricating non-existent crisis to drive up the deficit, paving the way for private health care by “starving the beast” through reduced transfer payments to the provinces, strains credulity. We at barpolitics will continue to expose these criminals, despite the danger to us and ours.
Would you look at that? Trash can’s on fire.
No comments:
Post a Comment